Baby Hold On To Me

Okay, I'm searching the 'Net for a parts diagram to my dishwasher. I find a useful site called "FixItNow - Samurai Appliance Repair Man". I get sidetracked with the forum and there is a guy asking for help repairing the DC motor in his "Bottom Buddy". So I'm thinking do I really want to know what a "Bottom Buddy" is but as usual curiosity gets the best of me. After Googling the name I find a website that sells the Bottom Buddy. Here is what it looks like:
I guess if you need one it is indispensable - it holds toilet paper and extends the user's reach. According to FixItNow the manufacture discontinued the electric model due to mechanical failure. You can only buy the manual model. Not sure if I want know how the electric model worked (I mean from an engineering standpoint did the motor automate the attachment/detachment of the toilet paper or was it like an electric toothbrush vibrating, spinning, or going back & forth?) . The company selling the Bottom Buddy does have a comforting disclaimer:

For hygienic reasons, once the package has been opened, this product is not returnable.

The same company has a storefront on Amazon.com. Underneath the photo it has a link titled "Share your own customer images". Sorry but I wasn't THAT curious - go click it yourself.

Hey-ey baby
You know the future's lookin' brighter
Every mornin' when I get up
Don't be thinkin' 'bout what's not enough, now baby
Just be thinkin' 'bout what we got
Think of all my love, now
I'm gonna give you all I got
- from the song "Baby Hold On To Me" performed by Eddie Money, written by E. Money & J.Lyon (c) 1978

Don't Get Keyed Off

Less is More?
I've seen some hype for a company selling "Das Keyboard" for a mere US$79.95. The keyboard is all black, as in no markings on the keys. It is targeted at the "ubergeeks only", people that really know how to touch-type. How is this for ad copy:

Shouldn't your keyboard reflect your status as one of the elite? We think so!
Introducing Das Keyboard, a precision keyboard that says who you are.

Now it makes sense that a blank keyboard will (eventually) make you a better touch typist but for US$8.95 you can accomplish the same thing with a skin that covers the keys to make them blank. Of course that would make you look like a novice instead of an ubergeek, and after all its all about status isn't it?

Reviews of the "Das Keyboard" claim it mimics the IBM model M keyboard, regarded by many as the best keyboard around. So it is probably better than the $9.95 generic QWERTY board you get at the local store. I'm also surprised they missed two good marketing points:
1) makes it easy for QWERTY and Dvorak users to share a keyboard
2) saves time putting the keys back on after removing them to clean all the finger dandruff that collects under them.

Of course a skin keeps the dandruff out so you don't have to clean. I wonder how much they would charge for a set of imprinted replacement keys?

What I really want is a Quinqube LCD-board^TM. It is a keyboard with tiny LCD screens on each key. You could then switch from QWERTY to Dvorak to APL to Cyrillic displays at the touch of a button. Instead of function keys you could display an icon. Software would change the icons as you switch to different applications. When you held down the [Ctrl] or [Alt] key it would automatically change the keys to show the hotkeys for the active application. Of course they would have to be backlit so you could type in the dark. Although if you can use the "Das Keyboard" you don't need any light. If anyone wants to produce the Quinqube LCD-board^TM let me know I'll license it cheap. (be sure and include a couple of bucky keys on the deluxe model)

One parting shot at the ubergeeks buying "Das Keyboard", why not rearrange all your keys in alphabetical order. So pressing [A] would type Q, [B] would type W, [C] would type E, . . .[Z] would type M. Talk about confusing. If you can use that keyboard you earn the title ubergeek maximus.

It's been so long, I feel so out of touch
Thoughts cloud my heart and head
I think I think too much
The narrow path I follow, is it the right way?
I keep on dwelling in tomorrow
I should be living in today!
I'm having trouble with my thought process
And I'm no engineer
All the road to my brains are there
And the directions just aren't clear
- from the song "Can't See Not Saying" by MxPx (c)1998

Idiots "R" Us

Idiots "R" Us ME Well I took an Idiot Test and scored 8%, where I guess a low score is a good thing. Although some would argue that merely taking the test makes you a 100% idiot. As you can see by my "official" results I am 92% NON-idiot. Many people that really know me would beg to differ. Take the test yourself and see how well you score.

I am 8% Idiot. I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people. Take the Idiot Test @ FualiDotCom

I also took a Geek test and Metrosexual test. I was surprised at my low geek score. I think being married really dropped me out of supreme geek status. On a side note I still have a hard time calling myself a geek, back in my teen years I was considered a nerd or more accurately a "science nerd". Back then a nerd was uncool but respectable; whereas a geek was the weirdo carnival attraction guy that bit heads off of chickens.

Not at all surprised at my metrosexual score, but I disagree with the part about shaving - Mrs. Quinqube loves the facial hair. Anyway below are my results.

I am 58% Geek. Nerd, Freak, Geek, Dweeb. Sound familiar? That's okay, cause I will be the richest person at my 15th year high school reunion. If a "con" isn't happening that weekend. Take the Geek Test @ FualiDotCom

I am 4% Metrosexual. I need some advice. I need to STOP BUYING MY CLOTHS AT WAL-MART!!!! I will never land a decent woman unless I shave this nasty facial hair, and spend more then $5 on a haircut. Take the Metrosexual Test @ FualiDotCom

Can you see the real me preacher?
Can you see the real me doctor?
Can you see the real me mother?
Can you see the real me?
- from the song "The Real Me" performed by The Who, written by Pete Townshend (c) 1973

Speckle My Papers

Imperial College London and Durham University have announced a low-cost method of uniquely identifying paper documents, plastic cards, product packaging, and the like. The process scans the surface with a laser to measure the amount of light reflection. The researchers offer this description:

Using the optical phenomenon of 'laser speckle', researchers examined the fine structure of different surfaces using a focused laser, and recorded the intensity of the reflection. The technique was tried on a variety of materials including matt-finish plastic cards, identity cards and coated paperboard packaging and resulted in clear recognition between the samples. This continued even after they were subjected to rough handling including submersion in water, scorching, scrubbing with an abrasive cleaning pad and being scribbled on with thick black marker.
(read the whole article here)

I see interesting potential here but first a few questions. A company produces a multi-ton roll of paper (or plastic), does the entire roll have the same DNA? If it changes inch by inch or front and back then a set area on a document needs to be scanned to obtain the same results each time. If the entire batch has the same DNA then security is needed to to protect the batch the same as the blank paper used to print currency.

Enough of problems with this process. How about some thoughts for the good.
Collectors will be able to certify items (paintings, historical letters, books). Of course if a counterfeit got certified it would then considered legitimate. Depending on the uniqueness of the DNA it may or may not be a cheap way to determine the age of an item.

When a credit card is issued the DNA of the plastic would be part of the account number. This would provide a two step authentication. 1) when the card is scanned by the merchant it verifies the DNA and 2) when the account is verified by the card company. This would require a change for the credit card company because the account number would change every time a new card was issued, but they already do this if you report a stolen card.

The same type approach could be taken for identity cards (driver's license, birth certificates, passports), that is print the numeric DNA of the paper on the document itself. This could immediately stop a casual forgery like underage drinkers making a fake id on the printer since the printed DNA would not match the actual DNA. Assuming the forger has access to a "DNA scanner" and prints the actual DNA of the forged document it would still be caught if checked against the official database.

I'm curious if the DNA falls within a certain range for the same type paper. For example if all the 60 pound paper of a particular color, fiber content, etc. have a DNA that falls within a certain numerical range. If so this gives the potential of rejecting a document because it is not "close enough" to the expected value. Possible uses:

• a retail merchant could verify if a sales receipt was issued by their store
  
• a corporate rep could quickly scan the packaging in store to see if it is counterfeit
  
• before a check is processed by your bank it can verify the check number to the paper DNA

And of course what happens to the demand for the ransom to be "unmarked bills"?

High alert code yellow little white lie
Pretty little girl is in disguise
Got a fake passport and a dossier
On a mission impossible every day
- from the song "Spy" by Bryan Paul Thomas (c) 2004